After

After a month of silence, I am back again.

I Know, But...

Here’s the thing. I know I’m messed up. I know that things aren’t right with me. And I even know several things that I could be doing differently to help change the situation I now find myself in. However, I cannot make myself do any of them.

I know that I need to get more sleep.

I know that I need to start reading, praying and going to church.

I know that I need to take my medicine.

I know that I need to make myself do these things, but I have absolutely no desire to do any of them.

Although I am constantly uncomfortable, I am comfortable in this state (if that makes any sense at all).

I am unmotivated. There are other things I’d rather be doing. And though I cognitively know that I am making the wrong decision, I am unable to make the right one. I want to change, I really do, but something is inhibiting me from actually doing it.

So, what the hell do I do? And don’t tell me to choose one of these things and start doing it. Because I’ve already tried it and it doesn’t work (at least not long term).

Quote

"We stopped checking for monsters under our bed when we realized they were inside of us."

A Change in Me

I'm single again. And you know what, I'm happy. For the first time in a month I'm not frustrated. The man I was dating is a wonderful man, and I have all the respect in the world for him, but our timing just wasn't right.

I made dance company this year and am super excited about it. Although it can be nerve racking at times, I love being on company. I'm choreographing a piece this year (probably won't go to concert, but I think it will be good none the less). My piece is about questions, and not knowing the answers, and somehow not wanting to know. Complicated, I know, but that's where I am in life right now.

I have so many questions about life, about my future, and so on. I know that I need to give this all to God, but lately, He and I haven't been on the most fantastic of terms. I love God, and I know that I am his child and nothing I could do would ever change that. We've just kind of lost touch. It's not that I'm questioning Him, it's not like I'm doubting Him...I really don't know what's going on. All I know is that I have got to start putting more effort into this relationship or things will only go downhill from here. Please pray for me guys. Pray that I will be motivated to read my Bible and to pray. I let myself fall so often. I fall and decide that I like laying on the ground for a while. And that's got to change.

Anyway, there has been a lot going on, and I think that I'm going through some changes so I thought that this song would be fitting. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=250JxioEWFU&feature=related

Choices 2

So, I've pretty much made my choice. I just have to wait on the timing.

Utterly

I have utterly lost my way. I have no idea where to go from here. What I want isn't conducive to a healthy life style, so therefore it's off limits. What I need refuses to present itself in any form. The path that I should take is unclear.

Where do I go from here?

Choices

I've got a choice to make, and I've got to make it relatively soon. It's a hard decision because I can see both sides clearly. I can see both ending well, and I can see both ending poorly. I'm just uncertain at the moment. Pray for me.

Revelation....Maybe?

Sometimes, I think that I enjoy being used by people. I mean, why else would I allow myself to continually be in situations/relationships where people use me as a means to an end?

Today, while doing some Scene Design homework, I realized that to some degree I enjoy being used. In some weird, twisted way, it makes me feel important. Even if it is just for a moment. I know that I can't be all things to all people, but for that one moment, I can be something to someone. And in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that I was a stepping stool to something larger?

Or, on the flip side, am I so starved for....something, I don't know what, or that I'm so selfish, that I need some reason to feel important in the universe. I don't know.... Two AM ramblings, what do you expect?

::DEEP BREATH::

All I know, is that when you use me, a huge part of me doesn't mind.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

::HeadDesk::

You make it hard to choose.

Just and Update

Life's been real crazy lately,as you can probably tell by my one or two line posts. I'm super busy all the time, juggling classes, homework, shows, work, and the "personal life." Yay school!

Today has been a 100% craptastic day. It began with me sleeping through both of my classes (for the second time already) I really need to buy a new alarm clock. Then, at work today, everything went wrong. When flying in electrics, people didn't follow the right protocol. When loading/unloading/reweighting the electrics, people didn't follow protocol. Yes, part of that was my fault, but there were others involved. Things could have ended very badly, but thankfully, we had an angel looking out for us. We also had several scares with some equipment that costs more than a years worth of tuition. I'm just glad it's over.

My friends. My friends are great, and probably the only things keeping me sane at the moment. I am a little frustrated with the boy. We're both really busy and can't spend too much time together, I get that, but it's still hard, and I wish that he would make time for us. Even if it's just being in the same room while studying, or lunch on the quad. I'm not asking for all of his time, just a small bit.

Plan

Muahahahahahahaha! I have set a plan into motion (it's actually a good plan this time). Now all I have to do is wait and see how you respond.

The Truth

I'm not mad, just disappointed and feeling unimportant.

Please

Please, don't judge me.

Life

My life right now is a million questions without answers. It's a whirlwind of excitement and exhaustion. It's a facade of happy emotions and a reality of disappointments of my own making. It's a gradual build-up and an endless let down. Here's another question to add to that list:

Have I brought this all upon myself?

I Want/Need...

I want/need this sunburn to go away.

I want/need to start today over again.

I want/need to have a cuddle session with my boyfriend.

I want/need auditions to be over with.

I want/need to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I want/need these posters to stop falling off my walls.

I want/need my room to organize itself.

I want/need things to go right for once.

A Want And A Need

I miss you. I know there's a lot going on right now, but I miss you. I don't want to be pushy or encroach on your space. I don't want to seem needy or unhappy. I don't want to push you away. I like you. I like you a whole lot. And all I really need is to hear your voice and be wrapped in your wonderful embrace.

This Might Be Blunt But...

I'm waiting. Not for infatuation, not for love, for marriage. It's a personal choice that I made a long time ago and it's something that I want to stick by. Have I thought of going back on that? Sure, I think everyone has. But I made a promise to myself and I don't intend to break this one.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I will go back on this promise and then the worst will happen. That'd be just my luck. Seriously, I have the WORST luck out of anybody in the world. I'm also a mega worrier and I have a very hard time forgiving myself when I screw up. I'm scared because I really like this one and it could be very easy to compromise with him. Not that he's pressuring me. It's just....I don't know. It could be easier with this one.

I've put some safeguards up to protect myself. I don't think they're too extreme. And I pray that they will be respected. I'm just scared and really don't know what else to do.

Not too Proud of This

Okay, so I'm jealous. It's not that I want all your time or that I'm needy or clingy or anything. I want you to go and spend your time doing that amazing thing you're doing. I am SO proud of you! You have no idea how much. But I am a bit jealous.

::Big breath:: Things will be better, I know they will. I just need to learn patience.

Some Thoughts

Today was an amazing day. I spent about seven hours of it with a wonderful man who is now my boyfriend. He drove up to visit me today. We had a blast. I am scared for several reasons though.

1. I really don't want to mess this up.
He's a good man and deserves only good things and I really like him

2. I don't want to get my hopes up.
I've gotten my hope up before only to be heartbroken (I'm trying to guard my heart)

3. I want to be sure that proper boundaries are in place and stuck to.
I don't quite trust myself to say no and stick to my guns if the situation arises

Pray for me guys.

Scared

I don't think that I have ever been more scared in my life. I don't trust myself at all. I haven't done anything to betray my trust, I just know that I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to say no if the situation presents itself. More details later.

Notice

The note "Irrational" that was posted on Friday, July 16, 2010. That's how I'm feeling.

Just Wondering

You told me one thing, but something is making me wonder...do you mean another?

Irrational

Irrational fears. We all have them. Some of us fear spiders. Some heights. Others death or failure. I myself have an irrational fear of something specific. I'm not going to name it or go into it here. Only one person knows of this. We laugh about it, but that doesn't mean that it goes away. I recognize that this fear is irrational, and stupid, and VERY improbable, but it still scares the crap out of me.

I know that God is trying to teach me to rely on Him in every situation. I know that He is there with me and will help me along the way. But sometimes I wonder why He is allowing me of all people to carry this burden. Why me? I know it's the wrong question to be asking, but I still wonder from time to time. What exactly am I supposed to be doing differently? I already pray about it. I give it to God. I try to take every thought captive. However, this fear keeps creeping back into my life. Maybe one day, God will reveal to me what exactly I am supposed to be doing with this. Maybe one day He will show me what to do differently. Until then I will sit here, read His word, and pray.

I've Got Two Words For You

Prove It.

Here's The Deal...

I haven't dated much. I didn't date in high school or in my first semester of college. I've always had guys that were friends. I had guys that were interested in me. However, none that I liked well enough to date until middle of freshman year. And while I don't regret dating any of those boys, sometimes I wish that I had never started dating.

They've all been nice enough guys. They weren't horrible. I didn't have any traumatic experiences. But none of them made it into anything that anyone would really call serious. True, I did really care for some of them, but looking back I realize that it wasn't as strongly as I had thought.

Since I entered the dating world I have run across: Mr. Gets Bored Easily, Mr. Insecure Control Freak, Mr. I Want to be With You But I Don't Want to be With You, Mr. Handsy, Mr. Fallen Off the Face of the Planet, Mr. I Am Going to Tell You Everything About Myself Before You Can Even Ask, and Mr. Really Nice Guy Who I Just Didn't Have Anything in Common With.

I haven't dated all of these, but I have either been on a date with, or have had them ask me out.

All of these types of men have made me realize that I do not want to date. I'm done. I am sick and tired of having to deal with this. And being a "Mr. Fixer-Upper" magnet. I can't handle it. So, Mr. Wonderful, whoever you are. You are welcome to come and find me at your leisure. However, you're going to have to be patient with me, because I am not going to jump into any sort of romantic relationship any time soon.

A Note to the World

Look, everything is fine. Now, yes, I know that when people say that "everything is fine" they're lying. This time, someone is actually telling the truth though. I am fine. I'm enjoying my life. There are things that I'm working on, trying to improve. However, nothing is wrong.

Also, I am not looking for anything or anyone. I am only twenty. I have my whole life ahead of me. I have time to find someone to share my life with, if I even decide that I want to share my life with anyone. I have time to decide what I want to focus on in my major. I have time to decide what I want to do with my life after I graduate. I have time. Do I know where I want to be in five, ten years? No. I have absolutely no idea, and for the first time in my life I am one-hundred percent okay with that.

I am not looking for anything right now. I am just going to roll with the punches and see where life takes me. I am going to make my own decisions with God's help. I am going to be single and enjoy this time that I have been blessed with to discover who I am.

This is my decision, and I am beyond happy with it.

Um.....

Well, that was unexpected...........

Hello July

Finally, July is here. It's been a long summer (and I still have a month and a half to go). Not much has changed in my life.

That friend has backed off a bit, but not much. We'll have to work on that. My best friend is sick and 6 hours away. I have become obsessed with the BBC television show Doctor Who (David Tennant is and always will be my Doctor), and his companion, Donna, is growing on me. I do prefer Rose though. Work is still a drag. I really don;t like it, but the people are great, I'm good at what I do, and they like me. So I press on. God and I are not as close as I would like, but I am working on that.

Tomorrow, I'm off to visit my grandfather for the weekend, after I go to both jobs. I'm looking forward to spending some time with him.

That friend who I was wanting to talk to, to help. We talked...kind of. I guess everything is okay on that end. However, I have come to the conclusion that their silence is their answer, and I will respect that.

Hello July. I pray that you bring good things.

Here's the Deal...

I know that you don't believe me. I know that all you want to do is help. I know that you think you know best. I know that you believe that this one thing will make me happy.



BACK OFF!



I am 100% happy with my life right now. No, I don't know where I'm going. No, I have no idea what the future holds for me. No, I am not certain of how any of this is going to turn out. But I do know that I am doing just fine. So please, just back off and stop telling me that I need something more. Stop telling me that I need a man to be happy. That statement is a lie, one of the biggest lies that society hast bought into and I refuse to be the next victim. I refuse to be sitting at home singing about how "Someday my Prince will Come." I refuse to be one of those little girls pining away for some fairytale prince to come in and sweep me off my feat.

Here's the deal: It doesn't work like that! And I would really appreciate it if you would just back off. Stop your meaningless flirting. Stop your "encouragement." Please, just BACK OFF!

Talk to Me

I so desperately want to help you. You seem so lost, so confused. And you're reaching out, you're crying for help. You may say you're not, but what I witnessed proves that you want help. I know because six months ago I was in the place you are now.

We were never extremely close, but we were on our way there. Things kept getting in the way. Looking back, maybe that was for the best. But I am not opposed to opening back up again.

I want you to know that I am here for you, no matter what you decide, no matter how you choose to handle things. I support you. And I will listen when you decide that you want to open up. I promise upon my life that everything will stay between us. I'm not the type of person who would tell your business to others.

I am not as put together as I appear. Don't be afraid of talking because you think I won't understand or that I'll judge you. Believe me, I have been through much more than you realize. Chances are, I will understand. By a rule, I do not judge others. Who am I to cast the first stone? Like I said, I have been through much more than you realize.

Let me help you. All you have to do is open the lines of communication. I am here. Talk to me.

According to You

According To You lyrics
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind

I'm a mess in a dress
Can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny,irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
You can't take me any place

According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with it
According to you
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is oppositeI don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated like I'm not hated
Oh, no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

According to me
you're stupid
you're uselessyou can't do anything right

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you [you, you]
According to you [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupidI'm useless
I can't do anything right

A Question...Several Actually

What's going on with you? What's going on between us? I am super confused right now and would love an explanation. Are we still friends? Or have we become passing acquaintances who just say hello and strike up a conversation when the other is bored out of their mind and has no one else to talk to?

Note To Self

Dear Self,

No matter how that movie ended, Meg Ryan did sum it all up. You cannot live a fairytale. Take heed.

Love,
Me

One More Quick Note:

Dear Frenemy:

How is it that every time I finally convince myself that I'm better off without you you weasel your way back into my life?

Love/Hate,
Me

A Few Quick Notes:

Dear Friend,

It has been a while. I just wanted to drop a line and say hello. Although we appear to have grown apart I want you to know that I am still here. Don't be afraid to speak up.

Love,
Me

Dear Friend,

I've been receiving mixed signals from you. It's to the point where I don't really know what is going on. Would you enlighten me please?

Love,
Me

Dear Friend,

I MISS YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!! We are going to hang out the first available moment!

Love,
Me

Dear Friend,

I wish that our schedules matched up every now and again. I miss you.

Love,
Me

Dear Friend,

We have never met in person but I feel as though we know each other. Feel free to drop a line any time. I'm here for you.

Love Me

Dear Friend,

You make my heart happy and you don't even know it. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

Love,
Me

Just This:

All you had to do was speak up.

Update (Just Some General Stuff)

I spent last week in Florida with my grandma and my two great aunts. It was SO much fun! We stayed in a condo right on the beach. We went shopping almost every day. We watched movies. Told family stories. It was a great start to my summer!

The boy......I don't really know what's going on there. But I'm okay with that.

My mother is trying to arrange a marriage between me and this guy I met once about four or five years ago. He seemed like a nice guy. But really, Mom? I know you work with his mother's best friend and you'd love to be his mother-in-law, but I don't know the man! The meeting was awkward as all get out! We both knew it was a set-up and it was just weird!!! She's still holding on to that dream. And yes, after being out in the dating world I have reached the point of utter frustration and I do see why people way back when had arranged marriages. But I don't really want to be set up again. Not for a while at least. Now if something just falls in my lap, I'll go with it and see. I'm not opposed to being with someone. Just being set up.

Lost ended last night. Yes I know, I'm one of those. I didn't jump on the band waggon six years ago though. I started watching Lost last Christmas. I was home alone and had nothing to do so I started watching from the beginning and got sucked in. I've never been obsessed, but I have wanted to see how it would all end. Frankly, I wish that it had ended sooner and that they would have cut out a lot of stuff. It dragged on for so long. But the final episode was beautiful (at least the last 30 min of it was). I realized some things about myself that I'll go into later. Not now though.

Well, work starts this week and I'm off to clean my room.

The Bathing Suit and Mr. Right

Today, after five hours of shopping, I finally found a great bathing suit. It's been forever since I've had a two piece, so I looked long and hard for this one. It's a tankini, but it's really cute. The real shocker is that I'd passed over this one multiple times before finally trying it on.

While driving home I had a rather profound thought. What if the Mr. Rights in the world are like that bathing suit? They're right there. They've always been right there, but they don't jump out at you. They sit there quietly and show themselves to you when you're ready to see them.

We try on the crazy ones that we know we'd never buy, the very safe, the fun and flirty but a little too girly, and then finally we see this one and figure "what the heck." Sometimes we need a bit of nudging in the right direction, but in the end, we are confidant in our pick.

So, be open, be alert, and open your eyes to what is right in front of you.

Numb

no reason....just...numb

Premonition

I had a feeling this would happen

It's not the first time, and it most certainly will not be the last

But I wanted this time to be different

I'm not giving up

I'm not throwing my hands up in defeat

I guess I'm waiting, arms outstretched welcoming it if it comes

And

Willing to let it pass on by if it does not

Conflicted

Tonight, I really don't want to hear from you.

But every time I hear that annoying AT&T alert I secretly hope that it's you.

Spontaneity

Spontaneity does not mean that there can be a lack of communication. Don't get me wrong, I love being spontaneous, and that because of this it's often hard to know when you're going to go do something. However, when it involves an activity after 10pm it would be nice if we could communicate earlier in the evening as to if said activity is actually going to occur or not. So if I could just know, either way, if we are going to do something, we can work out time and what exactly we want to do later. I just need to know if it's a go or not.

An Add On To: Le Sigh

Also, please pray that I will be able to take it slow. All of my other relationships were fast and furious. Like I said earlier, there is something different about this one. There is something different about the way that I feel about him. He wants to take it slow. I do too, I"m just very unsure as to how. Please, please pray.

Le Sigh

So, I started seeing this guy. He is wonderful. A complete gentleman. I like him a lot. There is something different about this one, and I intend to find out what it is. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

The only hitch in the whole thing is that he is a very spontaneous person. I am not. I can handle spontaneity if I can get at least 3 hours notice. Hopefully we can work on it.

Pray for whatever this is. Pray that God's will will prevail. Pray that whatever this is will be exactly what God wants, and that we won't get in the way of God's plan.

SMILE!!!!

WILL FILL YOU IN LATER!!!!!

A Dilemma

Okay, so I have a sort of dilemma. I'm not going to hash it all out here, because it would take way too long, and honestly, when you think about it, it's kind of stupid. So, all I'm going to say is: I have a dilemma, and I have no idea what to do. Please pray that the issue resolves itself quickly and for God's glory. Thank you.

I Give Up

Okay, I give up. I miss dating. I miss having someone around. Every time I get to this point I start praying for the man that God has for me...whoever he is...wherever he is. And I am right now. But I really REALLY wish God would hurry up, because I don't know how much longer I can stand this!

Um...Yea

So, I thought we were friends...I guess "friends" to you means distant acquaintances who only talk when you can't find anything better to do. We were such good friends once. What happened?

Only Two Things

• I miss you...well actually, it's not you that I miss, it's the IDEA of you, the memories of you. Maybe one day I'll stop missing the ideas and have something wonderful in reality that takes its place.

• Life is much better than it has been, I'm still working on a lot of things. But you know what, life is good.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since my last post...fifteen days to be exact. It seems like it's been so much longer. Time slips away from you, I guess.

It's been a rough few weeks. Heck, it always is. Life is ruled by drama unfortunately.

Spiritually, I'm not as close to God as I need/want to be. Haven't been for a while....And I have no idea how to get back on track.

Emotionally, I'm drained. For the last few weeks I've been to the point where I could cry for no reason.

Physically, at the moment I'm not happy with how I look. Because of the mono I wasn't able to exercise last month, and lately I've been stress eating, so I've gained some weight.

I know exactly what I want, but I have no idea how to obtain any of it. Some of those things are out of my power to bring to occurrence, but I'm at the point of needing something to happen. I need something big to happen, and whatever it is I need it to be something good because I have had way too much bad happen this year.

...

I have a problem. Something is going on in my life that really shouldn't be happening. I need to snap out of it. But I don't know how to. I need some help.

Please be praying for me. For patience, for understanding, for acceptance, and that I will keep God's will in mind.

Thank you.

If you want details, feel free to contact me.

It's Pathetic, I know...

So, because of my last post, my best friend dared me to open an eHarmony account just for fun. She did it too. And surprise, surprise, guess how many matches I received.

ZERO

LOL!!! This was stupid and fun at the same time. Online dating is not for me. At this point, dating isn't for me. I'll get back out there one of these days, but for now I'm focusing on my relationship with God and my education.

God is writing my love story, He'll bring the man He has for me around when He deems time.

Confused

Today, I came to the realization that just this week I have become 100% okay with being single. I've also become quite cynical. I'm to the point where I just don't care about love. I know it exists, I've seen it in many couples. However, I am just not sure that there's a "One" out there for me.

Now yes, I really do want to get married at some point in my life. I want to fall in love, and be in love. I want to wake up every morning beside a man who is my closest friend and the love of my life. I have no desire to be single for the rest of my life. But, at this point in my life, I don't think that this person is near. And I'm okay with that.

The frustrating thing is that every time I turn on the TV one of those eHarmony commercials. Find love now! Gah!! All I want to do is shout "DOWN WITH LOVE!!!" every time I see one. But then I start to think, "Hey, that would be kind of nice..."

GRRRR......

**FACEPALM**

I am an idiot.

I am a MAJOR idiot.

Want the details? Message me on Facebook.

A Quick Rant...

About Boys

1. If you are going to be late, or will be unable to show up, call or text! Do NOT make her call/text you trying to figure out if you are going to show.

2. If you ask for a girl's number (at no prompting from her end) use it! Don't just ask to be polite.

This is the second time in 24 hours that I have been stood up, by a guy, for a project or planned activity.

This is why I am not dating.

You Know Who You Are

Dear you,

I strongly dislike you with a fiery passion that rivals the intensity of a thousand suns.

That is all.

When There is Nothing Left to Say...

Playing God -- Paramore

Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret... I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is going to sound sappy but....

Sir, whomever you are, I just wanted to say that I love you.

At A Loss

For my Stage and Studio Lighting class I am currently working on a project. We are supposed to light a piece of classical music. My partner and I decided upon Mozart's Dies Irae http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dxr84zacOfY. We were also allowed to design a minimalist set.

The song is about judgement so my partner's and my vision was of a person standing in front of St. Peter at the gates of Heaven not knowing if they would be admitted or sent to Hell. Our set consists of a mannequin behind a podium surrounded by stacks of books, this representing St. Peter; A model of a church, representing the standards placed upon us by God and man; and finally a white mannequin hanging by a noose behind a white cyc, representing the fate of humanity.

It's a very powerful piece.

What left me at a loss, however, was how offended one person got. This person insisted that we were promoting lynching.

1. My partner and I are NOT racist

2. My partner and I did this ONLY to symbolize how humanity is going to hell in a hand basket.

3. It's a WHITE mannequin

Quick Question that Requires an Answer

What does it mean that I long to talk to you, yet I'm relieved whenever you log off of chat?

Ripping Off Pablo Neruda

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.” - Pablo Neruda

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way. I love you, even though I have never seen your face, nor felt your hand upon my hand. I love you until I breathe my last. Wait for me my love, where ever you may be. I am waiting for you. Please, come find me soon.

45 and Snowing

So it snowed today.

Valentines Day.

In 45 degree weather.

I guess anything is possible.

Holding Out for a Hero

You know, I think I spoke a bit too soon with my last post. Not all men are that way. And sometimes, Hollywood portrays them correctly. You want proof? Watch "Penelope" with Christina Ricci and James McAvoy.

It took a while to find a movie that showed relationships in a better light (now this really isn't a realistic movie, and the love story isn't 100% realistic, but it's as close as I've ever found), and it also takes a while to find that one person in your life.

The right man is out there, girls. You just have to be patient. Don't ever be discouraged in holding out for your hero. We can wait together :)

"Where have all the good men gone...?"

I hate men. No offence guys, but please just let me have my little rant.

As of late I have been watching a lot of movies and I've noticed a growing trend. Men are jerks who "change" at some point throughout the film. Or who never actually change, the girl just settles because obviously he's the closest thing to "The One" that they believe they will ever find. Or, more likely than not, he's some perfect, fantastic, UNREALISTIC man.

They always keep the girl in the dark, wondering "Does he like me, like me, or does he just want to be friends?" The shear frustration of this, among all of their other quirks, causes these women, who otherwise would be strong and fabulous to do a complete one-eighty and do some completely stupid things all because of some man. No, correction, guy, boy, child!

Why is it that we women get so worked up because of some stupid guy? We see it in movies. We read it in books. We swear up and down that we will NEVER let something like that happen to us, and yet we allow ourselves to be victims of this very thing time and time again. WHY? Why do we allow ourselves to be so stupid?

I think that people need to stop writing these unrealistic love stories. Why doesn't anyone write anything real? Ugh...

I Dreamed a Dream...No this is NOT the Susan Boyle Story

My dream last night:

I'm walking down the street with my best friend's RA whom I am dating. We're on our way to a theatre convention. When we arrive at the hotel with two of my friends, who just appear out of thin air, my boyfriend turns into Fred-Allen (and I'm not dating him). We all get to our room. Fred-Allen takes the king size bed, the two other people and myself take the other bed which turns out to be three pull-out bunk-beds.

We then leave to go to the convention. The four of us are supposed to be acting in a show there, but we decide to watch the show instead. We're sitting on bleachers and the man sitting beside us is talking about the other schools who did their shows before we got there. Anjelica Huston comes on stage in a slinky dress followed by a band. She begins to sing while a group from our school performs a play inspired by her voice.

I decide to leave the group and head out of the auditorium. I'm suddenly in a high rise apartment with my boyfriend, who now is one of my friend's current boyfriends. She's at the apartment too. We just kind of wander around the apartment for a while. I then decide to go out. There are no elevators in the building, just escalators. After being out for a while, I decide to go back in.

I arrive back at my apartment. I'm now married to a man with long hair and a Hulk Hogan mustache, but he's a brunette. He's dressed in a swanky 1920s tux and I'm wearing a costume we used in a production of Hedda Gabler. Suddenly a blond bombshell comes out of my room. I realize that my husband is having an affair so I run to my closet and grab two guns. They won't go off at first, but finally I shoot both of them. They fall onto a huge red drape in the floor, their faces are covered.

Once I realize what I have done, I run out of the apartment, trying to escape. Once at street level I run into my lover. I take him back up to the apartment and show him what I've done and ask for his help. He locks my front door (which has at least 16 locks on it all controlled by levers in the wall) and tells me that I am going to have to die for what I've done, and that he's going to be the one to kill me. He pushes me up against the levers. I ask if we could at least make love once more before I die. He says no. I ask if I could shower first. He says no. I ask if I could at least change clothes. He drops me onto the floor and disappears.

I am now sitting on my balcony. My hair is a mess. I'm still wearing the Hedda Gabler dress and I'm very depressed. Suddenly, three people materialize in front of me. Two women and a man. They don't materialize entirely. They kind of look like a picture drawn on a large piece of cardboard that has had a hole puncher taken to it. They tell me that the only way out is to kill myself. More and more people start to materialize and they are all telling me the same thing. They say that they show up to every great person who ever committed suicide. I finally give in but insist on changing into my yellow dress first. I head to my closet but one of the women gets there before I do. She puts on a slinky red dress that is a bit too big for her and then falls over dead. I finally get into my yellow dress (which is exactly the same as the Hedda Gabler dress, except for the color) and I put the gun to my head.

And then I wake up.

Weird right?

Some More Things About Me

I felt that last night's....well rather, this morning's post deserved a part two. If you haven't read part one yet, please do. Don't worry though, they're not in any particular order.

5. My room is usually a bit messy.

• I'm a creative individual, I need some sort of clutter.
• I do take out the trash and insist on not living in a pig sty.
• As shocking as it may appear, I know exactly where everything is.

6. I criticize movies while I'm watching them.

• If you hate it when people talk during a movie, we probably shouldn't be film buddies.
• I don't talk about random stuff, it's all about the movie.
• In theatre and film I insist on perfection, and will point out anything less than.
• I was taught to watch movies this way. I really don't think I can watch a movie for the pure enjoyment of it anymore. But I do enjoy it.

7. I do believe in defining a relationship and having some sort of set boundaries.

• I've done the whole "we're not going to define this" thing and I hate it. As my uncle says, "Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt."
• I don't recreationally date. I date to find the man I will one day marry. Period. End of story.
• I'm not a big "RULES" girl, but I do believe that there are some boundaries that need to be set up front, and they need to be stuck to.
• Also, I believe that both parties need to be upfront and honest about things that they cannot put up with in a partner.

8. I do get moody.

• Please do not assume that just because I'm moody it's my time of the month.
• I'm a creative, it just happens sometimes.
• I don't like being moody and I do try to get out of it.
• At this point, I start to annoy myself, please just bare with me.

I may do a part three. Keep a look out.

Some Things About Me

1. I can be very blunt.

• It's starting to be more often than not.
• I don't mean to offend anyone by this, it just happens without me thinking about it
• I kind of like it

2. I am a hopeless romantic, but I try not to be.

• I'm a girl so obviously it comes with the territory.
• I am SO fed up with Hollywood love stories, it's not even funny. Yet I still love them.
• I cannot wait to meet the man who I will eventually marry.
• I really wish women would stop writing love stories. It just gives women like me unrealistic expectations, and it's not fair!

3. I am totally insecure.

• Again, I'm a girl. It comes with the territory.
• I will try on lots of shirts/pants/dresses/skirts/shoes before I go out in the morning
• I feel fat after eating sweets and will probably make a comment about it.
• I do try to hide it.

4. I'm not really that strong of a person.

• I just play one in real life.
• I'm a firm believer in "fake it till you make it."
• I may not always know what I'm doing, but I act like I do.
• Even though I put up this facade, I am really fragile.

Unknown

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to do what I'm supposed to do.

I don't know what I want to do.

I don't even know how to go "one day at at time" or "moment by moment" anymore.

Basically, I'm kind of lost, but I don't really feel all that lost.

Do you know what I mean?

No? That's okay.

Mono

Okay, so I have mono. No, I haven't been kissing anyone. No, I haven't shared a drink with anyone. No, I'm not a chain smoker. I've just for some crazy reason picked up mono. Maybe I picked up some body's drink thinking it was mine. Maybe I drank out of the water fountain. I don't know. All I know is that I have it, and I feel terrible.

There is SO much going on right now. So much stuff that I just don't want to deal with at the moment, and lo and behold what I thought was just tonsil stones, the nurse deduced within two minutes that it was mono, and I most likely have a touch of strep to go along with it.

Lovely. Just lovely.

Everyone else in my department has something, whether it be the common cold or the flu. We've all got something. I'm also now working on two shows, a writing intensive class, two project oriented classes, three dance classes (my favorite classes) that I can now no longer participate in until my doctor confirms that my spleen is in no danger of rupturing, some unwanted attention from a few people, and some more drama that I just don't have the space or the time to get into at the moment.

Well...jolly good post. I'm signing off and going to bed before I fall asleep on the computer.

Goodnight.

Sorry

I'm sorry, that last post was all complaining.

:'(

I just need to have a good cry right about now.

My throat hurts every time I swallow. My ears hurt constantly because of my throat. My tongue is severely burnt. Some things are going on in my life right now that I absolutely cannot control and I have no idea what to do about them. Everyone around me is sick or depressed or pissed off, or just wants my attention and I can't take it anymore!

I just want to sit in a corner and cry my eyes out.

An Ideal Husband

It appears as though my parents have had a complete and total role reversal. My father wants me to get a boyfriend. He wants to marry me off and seems to be ready for grandkids. Well probably not that, (that's not going to happen for a LONG time) but every time we talk he always asks if I'm going to be bring home a boyfriend for him to meet.

He doesn't seem to understand or accept that I am on sabbatical. I think that if arranged marriages were still socially acceptable, he would have me betrothed tomorrow.

Now, yes, I do think it would be nice to have a man in my life. However, I don't just want another boyfriend. I don't want to date for fun. I'm waiting for the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. The man that I am going to stand up with in church in front of God and everyone we know and vow to love, honor, and cherish until the day I die, and actually live it out. I'm waiting for the man who loves God more than he loves me. I'm waiting for the man who love me, all of me, my little (and big) quirks. I'm waiting for the man who is everything on that list I made a few posts back. I'm waiting for the man that I have been praying for every day for the last few years.

I am not dating right now because God has not brought that man into my life yet, or he has, but has not opened my eyes to see it yet.

I know my dad means well, and that he just wants me to be happy. I am happy. Maybe a little frustrated from time to time, but for the most part, I am happy. And I will wait as long as I have to, because I know that God has a plan, and His ways are so much better than our ways.

A Letter To You

Dear Guy I See All Over Campus,

You have an amazing smile. Every time I see you, you have a smile on your face, it brightens my day. I doubt that we'll ever officially meet, so right here, right now I want to say thank you.

Sincerely,
Andrea :D

Lighting Class

"The only difference between porn and erotica is blocking. No wait! Lighting. Lighting. I think..."

"Where were you? I was waiting for you. I felt as though I had been stood up. I felt like how Andrea feels most Saturday nights." -- Gilpin

"Just remember, you never, ever touch the glass. Oh d@*#it, he's touching the glass."

A Thought...

You tend to repeat yourself quite a bit when I'm around.

Is it because you don't trust my motives?

Or is it because you don't trust yourself?

Children

I have always been the June Clever type. Always. I probably would have fit in much better during the 50s.

Yesterday, I babysat for one of my friends. This baby is probably the cutest baby the world has ever seen. He's happy, he minds, and for the most part, he sleeps well.

I love children, and someday hope to have some of my own, however, after taking care of a nine month old for seven hours I have come to the conclusion that I don't want them until I'm thirty.

Ah Ha!

You know, I almost started to make this post all one big rant about the two people I encountered today that made me want to scream. However, I'm not going to do that. I don't quite know how to deal with the first one, so I'll wait on that for now. I want to address this second person.

I do not know this second person very well. I just met them yesterday. They are very genuine and passionate about what they do. They push themselves to the limit and then go a little further. I was having to learn from this person. Yesterday, I loved it. This person had so much insight and information to teach, I learned quite a bit. Today however, I was just ticked off by this person. I enjoyed them as a person, but as a teacher, I believed down to my core that they sucked. I was very defensive. I stewed for the entire two hours. I believed that I knew more about what I could do and what I could handle than they did. Yet they kept insisting that I could do more, that I could take more, that I hadn't seen or experienced anything yet.

I left there thoroughly ticked off and ready to rant and rave about it when it hit me, I do that. In my field, when I'm teaching or explaining or having to compare my experience level to that of someone else, I hold them to an extremely high standard. I don't consider their background, what issues they're going through, etc. I take what I have seen them do at that moment and I insist that they've "seen nothing yet" that they could handle more, that they could be doing so much more, and have much more potential.

It was a big "Ah Ha!" moment. What is it that makes us hate the very things about others that we have inside of ourselves?

Emo Kid

I'm really not as emo as I sound. I know that my posts tend to be rants and chalk full of emo kidness. Yes, I know that isn't a word. But I'm really not that miserable. I actually do like my life. I have great parents, amazing friends, a bright future, and a God who loves me no matter what. This blog is kind of my "Leave Your Problems at the Door" thing. I rant and blog and then (for the most part) I'm over it.

The next few posts will be cheerful ones, albeit probably not as interesting, but they will be looking on the bright side of life.

Light Bulb

Okay, so maybe I am taking things a little too personally. It's been a tough few months. I'm sorry. I'll try to lighten up.

Angsty Teen

Excuse me, angsty, hormonal, perverted teenage boy, stop trying to flirt with me. I am almost twenty. I do not date guys who are more than six months younger than me, and I am not interested in being your "that one girl in college."

Yes, I am single, but that does NOT mean that you have the right to hit on me and think that I'm miserable without a man. I've got news for you mister, you are not a man. You are a boy! And I refuse to waste my time on boys. A few posts back is a list of all the things I am looking for in a MAN. If you do not meet all of those criteria, don't bother.

Cuddle

Today has been a sucky day. End of story. It's been one of those days that makes a girl long for an amazing older brother or a great boyfriend that she can watch a movie with while wrapped in her protector's arms.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a6vS-V_5r4

Imperfection

I started this blog as a way to help me come to terms with and maybe come to love my imperfections. Well, that's not happening. These last few weeks I have become much more aware of just how imperfect I am and I HATE IT.

Yes, I know that it is impossible to be perfect, and that it's my quirks that make me interesting. But honestly, when you hear about the one thing that you hate yourself the most for and are actively trying to change all the time, it gets really annoying.

When you know that everyone else has noticed your big flaw and then repeatedly bring it up, you know it's a problem.

I am trying to fix things guys. I'm trying to be the person you want me to be. I'm trying to be the person I want to be. Help me out here by not joking extensively about it, please.

Brave Enough?

How many times have I passed up an opportunity because I wasn't brave enough to try? I can tell you that it's happened more than once.

There are so many things that I would love to say or do, just to see if there was something great awaiting me on the other side of that risk. Unfortunately, for some of these, I'll never know.

I'm always so afraid of hurting my relationships with people that most of the time I hold back. I'm not the type of person who is very sure of themselves or the thoughts and feelings of others. I tend to be one of the last to react, last to share a secret, last to admit my true feelings. I'm a people pleaser.

I just...I don't know. I guess I just want to take that risk sometimes. Put myself out there and just see what happens. But I'm so afraid of hurting friendships, my future, etc. I'm tired of living in fear, but I really don't want to harm those.

What should I do? Any suggestions?

Taking a Stand

Please take note, this is NOT directed at you. So please, don't assume that it is. I'm a little ticked off at the moment and need to vent about something, so if you don't want to listen, don't read any further on this post. I'm sorry if that sounds bitchy but at this moment I don't care. I'll be a bigger bitch tomorrow if I don't vent now.

I know that I am overly critical. I know that I can get moody. I know that I'm anal retentive to the point of annoyance. I don't need you to tell me that I am. No, I don't realize that half the stuff I say is rude until after I say it. That's just how it is. I am actively trying to change this, but it doesn't always work.

Also, when did I loose my right to have an opinion and voice it? Last I recall, you certainly take a VERY strong stance on your opinions. Why is it that any time I voice mine I'm thought of as a bitch? Why am I always the one who is reprimanded? And how come every time I try to help get facts strait when someone fumbles everyone jumps all over me?

I'm not perfect. I will be the first one to admit that. I am not superior to anyone. In fact, I would place myself at the very bottom of the totem poll. I'm already as low on the scale as I can go, please don't drive me into the ground anymore.

Snowball Effect

Have you ever noticed in looking back that what has brought you to something you really didn't like in life was just one giant snowball effect? Wordy, I know. Just bare with me. I do have a point.

Lately, there have been some things that I have said and done that I am not very proud of. I've found that the line has been blurred. There is more gray area in my life than there is black or white. How did this all happen?

Honestly, I don't know exactly what caused all this. But I do know that one thing quickly became two, and two multiplied to four, and then everything just grew exponentially until I was thrown under this massive avalanche that is continuing downhill. I've also been caught up in it for so long that this has become the norm.

When did right and wrong go away? Where exactly is the line? And how far away from it do I want to stay? Now that I've realized this, is there anything that I need to cut out of my life? Am I willing to do that? What will happen if I don't? Do I even want to know?

Alone

Why is it that we can be completely surrounded by people who know and love us, but we still can feel so alone?

All break, I've been with family and a few friends, and I've enjoyed their company, but I think that I've only felt this alone one other time in my life.

Why is it that sometimes, at the times when we long for it the most, there is just no human connection?

Rejuvenate, Reformulate, Revitalize

Remember a few posts ago? Okay, more like the second post I made on this thing. I was talking about going on sabbatical. Don't worry, I still am, and for the most part I like it.

I was thinking about the whole thing for the last few days and I came to the realization that even thought I had been saying that I had a set standard, I didn't really follow it. Now yes, I did follow the basic things, but I had never really sat down and pondered what it really is that I want and need. So, I sat down at my computer yesterday and made a list. (I'm a list maker, you'll learn that about me) I thought I'd share what I have so far with you.

The List
· Christian
· Leader
· Unshakable Faith
· Strong
· Moral
· Courageous
· Sensitive (but not too sensitive i.e. feminine sensitivity)
· Sympathetic
· Understanding
· Firm
· Self Controlled
· Enthusiastic
· Intelligent
· Head of the Household
· Take Charge
· Good Conversationalist
· Good Listener
· Good Steward of Time AND Money
· Honest
· Open
· Truthful
· Loyal
· Faithful
· Good with Children
· Flexible
· Good Tempered
· Makes Me Laugh
· Socially Stable
· Mentally Stable
· A Thinker
· A Doer
· Respectful
· Okay with us Both Having a Life
· Romantic
· A Little Kinky
· Has Strong Convictions
· Fun Loving
· A Visible Faith (but not a Bible beater)

Wake-up Call

A friend of mine just reminded me of something that I had always known, but had forgotten in the flood of worries that have filled my mind these last few days.

WE HAVE MUCH MORE THAN WE THINK WE DO!

Why is it that when we look at our lives all we see is the bad? What we wish/want to happen. What we long to be different. What gives us the right to be Debbie Downer all the time? Look around you. You have a house, a bed, clothes on your back and in the closet. In my case, I'm in school, it's paid for, I've picked out a major and a minor, I'll be graduating on time, I have money in my pocket and in the bank. I have a job, one that they're holding for me until I get out for the summer. I have my family, good friends, great professors, and a few acquaintances. I am not persecuted for my faith. I can say what I want, when I want, to whomever I want. I can travel, own a gun, buy a house or a car, choose my carer. I can vote for whomever I choose, and I can pick my own spouse.

I am rich. I am very richly blessed. Are there things that need to be resolved? Of course. There always will be. But when I stop, take a look around at what I do have, I find that the world isn't as dark and scary as I once thought it to be.

Early Morning Serenade (or something like it)

I sit awake at 1:18AM staring blankly at my computer screen, trying to think up something profound to say. Facebook is up. No one is on at this hour (except other insomniacs). The only reason that it's still up, I guess, is that I kind of hope that someone will want to talk (like that'll ever happen). Other than having someone just "like" my really depressing status, there's not much going on there.

I'm going to lunch in ten hours, seriously, why am I still up?

If I was completely honest with myself I would know. And I guess since it is almost one-thirty and not very many people read this I'll go ahead and tell you. I've really been pondering my future these last few days. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Who am I going to be? Do I really want everything I've always said I did? Is there a man out there that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with? Will I have to be on this medication forever? Am I doing the right thing?

There's more, but seeing as this is open to the world to view...well you get the picture.

So much is swimming through my mind. I don;t know how to shake this. I know my friends are starting to get annoyed with it. Believe me, I am too. I wish there was some way to shake this.

Got any ideas?

Untitled

Me in one sentence:

Andrea is conflicted, confused, uncertain, a little discouraged, and many other words that she's too unmotivated to look up in a thesaurus.

Realization

Have you ever realized that you liked the idea of something better than you liked that actual thing?

Dumb question. Yes, we all have. I guess it's part of that "You always want what you can't have" syndrome. Or at least a spurn off of it. Do you know what I mean? Probably not, but that's okay.

Recently, I came to the realization that I was clinging to the image that I had built up of this thing. I was so sure that (even though I had already decided that I didn't want the actual thing) the idea of it was what I wanted and needed.

Am I making any sense? No. That's okay.

I'll stop boring you with a confused woman's babbling. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something interesting to say.

Oh, and by the way, if you (whomever actually does read this blog) do understand can you comment? Anything, even a "Yes, you make sense" or "You're not crazy" will suffice. lol

Untitled

There is a feeling welling up inside of me. I know not what it is, nor whom it is intended for. All I know is that it is intense and it leaves me in the dark. I want to know, but time (my enemy) begs me to wait, let things play out, and then, one day, see.

At A Stand Still

My life at the moment feels as though someone has hit the pause button and had frozen me in time. There are plenty of things that I could be doing, however I have absolutely no drive to do them. I could be cleaning my room, but I don't want to. I could be reading a book, but I have no interest in reading. I could bake something, but I have no idea what to make.

I guess I'm not really trying to make a point, complain, or hash anything out. I'm just bored and trying to pass the time.

Title

No profound thoughts today. However, I did find a quote that I wanted to share with you:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

The Way We Were

Guess what. You were right about me.

You were always right about me.

You

We talked today. It was good to hear from you. You have become one of my dear friends, someone I trust implicitly. I will NEVER be able to thank you enough for all that you have done for me. If it weren't for you I honestly don't know where I'd be today.

You hold a very special place in my heart, you always will, and if there is anything, ANYTHING, that I can do for you, please let me know.

I want you to know something though. I am scared. I'm scared that if we get much closer things will get complicated. I finally realized why it didn't work, at least on my end. Specifically, I mean. I've always known, but it all came together a few weeks ago. I've been over you for a while, but I'm afraid of things coming back. I don't know if I can do that again. I may be reading too much into things, but I am, and have been getting a strange vibe from you.

I guess I'll just wait and see how things play out.