Sorry

I'm sorry, that last post was all complaining.

:'(

I just need to have a good cry right about now.

My throat hurts every time I swallow. My ears hurt constantly because of my throat. My tongue is severely burnt. Some things are going on in my life right now that I absolutely cannot control and I have no idea what to do about them. Everyone around me is sick or depressed or pissed off, or just wants my attention and I can't take it anymore!

I just want to sit in a corner and cry my eyes out.

An Ideal Husband

It appears as though my parents have had a complete and total role reversal. My father wants me to get a boyfriend. He wants to marry me off and seems to be ready for grandkids. Well probably not that, (that's not going to happen for a LONG time) but every time we talk he always asks if I'm going to be bring home a boyfriend for him to meet.

He doesn't seem to understand or accept that I am on sabbatical. I think that if arranged marriages were still socially acceptable, he would have me betrothed tomorrow.

Now, yes, I do think it would be nice to have a man in my life. However, I don't just want another boyfriend. I don't want to date for fun. I'm waiting for the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. The man that I am going to stand up with in church in front of God and everyone we know and vow to love, honor, and cherish until the day I die, and actually live it out. I'm waiting for the man who loves God more than he loves me. I'm waiting for the man who love me, all of me, my little (and big) quirks. I'm waiting for the man who is everything on that list I made a few posts back. I'm waiting for the man that I have been praying for every day for the last few years.

I am not dating right now because God has not brought that man into my life yet, or he has, but has not opened my eyes to see it yet.

I know my dad means well, and that he just wants me to be happy. I am happy. Maybe a little frustrated from time to time, but for the most part, I am happy. And I will wait as long as I have to, because I know that God has a plan, and His ways are so much better than our ways.

A Letter To You

Dear Guy I See All Over Campus,

You have an amazing smile. Every time I see you, you have a smile on your face, it brightens my day. I doubt that we'll ever officially meet, so right here, right now I want to say thank you.

Sincerely,
Andrea :D

Lighting Class

"The only difference between porn and erotica is blocking. No wait! Lighting. Lighting. I think..."

"Where were you? I was waiting for you. I felt as though I had been stood up. I felt like how Andrea feels most Saturday nights." -- Gilpin

"Just remember, you never, ever touch the glass. Oh d@*#it, he's touching the glass."

A Thought...

You tend to repeat yourself quite a bit when I'm around.

Is it because you don't trust my motives?

Or is it because you don't trust yourself?

Children

I have always been the June Clever type. Always. I probably would have fit in much better during the 50s.

Yesterday, I babysat for one of my friends. This baby is probably the cutest baby the world has ever seen. He's happy, he minds, and for the most part, he sleeps well.

I love children, and someday hope to have some of my own, however, after taking care of a nine month old for seven hours I have come to the conclusion that I don't want them until I'm thirty.

Ah Ha!

You know, I almost started to make this post all one big rant about the two people I encountered today that made me want to scream. However, I'm not going to do that. I don't quite know how to deal with the first one, so I'll wait on that for now. I want to address this second person.

I do not know this second person very well. I just met them yesterday. They are very genuine and passionate about what they do. They push themselves to the limit and then go a little further. I was having to learn from this person. Yesterday, I loved it. This person had so much insight and information to teach, I learned quite a bit. Today however, I was just ticked off by this person. I enjoyed them as a person, but as a teacher, I believed down to my core that they sucked. I was very defensive. I stewed for the entire two hours. I believed that I knew more about what I could do and what I could handle than they did. Yet they kept insisting that I could do more, that I could take more, that I hadn't seen or experienced anything yet.

I left there thoroughly ticked off and ready to rant and rave about it when it hit me, I do that. In my field, when I'm teaching or explaining or having to compare my experience level to that of someone else, I hold them to an extremely high standard. I don't consider their background, what issues they're going through, etc. I take what I have seen them do at that moment and I insist that they've "seen nothing yet" that they could handle more, that they could be doing so much more, and have much more potential.

It was a big "Ah Ha!" moment. What is it that makes us hate the very things about others that we have inside of ourselves?

Emo Kid

I'm really not as emo as I sound. I know that my posts tend to be rants and chalk full of emo kidness. Yes, I know that isn't a word. But I'm really not that miserable. I actually do like my life. I have great parents, amazing friends, a bright future, and a God who loves me no matter what. This blog is kind of my "Leave Your Problems at the Door" thing. I rant and blog and then (for the most part) I'm over it.

The next few posts will be cheerful ones, albeit probably not as interesting, but they will be looking on the bright side of life.

Light Bulb

Okay, so maybe I am taking things a little too personally. It's been a tough few months. I'm sorry. I'll try to lighten up.

Angsty Teen

Excuse me, angsty, hormonal, perverted teenage boy, stop trying to flirt with me. I am almost twenty. I do not date guys who are more than six months younger than me, and I am not interested in being your "that one girl in college."

Yes, I am single, but that does NOT mean that you have the right to hit on me and think that I'm miserable without a man. I've got news for you mister, you are not a man. You are a boy! And I refuse to waste my time on boys. A few posts back is a list of all the things I am looking for in a MAN. If you do not meet all of those criteria, don't bother.

Cuddle

Today has been a sucky day. End of story. It's been one of those days that makes a girl long for an amazing older brother or a great boyfriend that she can watch a movie with while wrapped in her protector's arms.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a6vS-V_5r4

Imperfection

I started this blog as a way to help me come to terms with and maybe come to love my imperfections. Well, that's not happening. These last few weeks I have become much more aware of just how imperfect I am and I HATE IT.

Yes, I know that it is impossible to be perfect, and that it's my quirks that make me interesting. But honestly, when you hear about the one thing that you hate yourself the most for and are actively trying to change all the time, it gets really annoying.

When you know that everyone else has noticed your big flaw and then repeatedly bring it up, you know it's a problem.

I am trying to fix things guys. I'm trying to be the person you want me to be. I'm trying to be the person I want to be. Help me out here by not joking extensively about it, please.

Brave Enough?

How many times have I passed up an opportunity because I wasn't brave enough to try? I can tell you that it's happened more than once.

There are so many things that I would love to say or do, just to see if there was something great awaiting me on the other side of that risk. Unfortunately, for some of these, I'll never know.

I'm always so afraid of hurting my relationships with people that most of the time I hold back. I'm not the type of person who is very sure of themselves or the thoughts and feelings of others. I tend to be one of the last to react, last to share a secret, last to admit my true feelings. I'm a people pleaser.

I just...I don't know. I guess I just want to take that risk sometimes. Put myself out there and just see what happens. But I'm so afraid of hurting friendships, my future, etc. I'm tired of living in fear, but I really don't want to harm those.

What should I do? Any suggestions?

Taking a Stand

Please take note, this is NOT directed at you. So please, don't assume that it is. I'm a little ticked off at the moment and need to vent about something, so if you don't want to listen, don't read any further on this post. I'm sorry if that sounds bitchy but at this moment I don't care. I'll be a bigger bitch tomorrow if I don't vent now.

I know that I am overly critical. I know that I can get moody. I know that I'm anal retentive to the point of annoyance. I don't need you to tell me that I am. No, I don't realize that half the stuff I say is rude until after I say it. That's just how it is. I am actively trying to change this, but it doesn't always work.

Also, when did I loose my right to have an opinion and voice it? Last I recall, you certainly take a VERY strong stance on your opinions. Why is it that any time I voice mine I'm thought of as a bitch? Why am I always the one who is reprimanded? And how come every time I try to help get facts strait when someone fumbles everyone jumps all over me?

I'm not perfect. I will be the first one to admit that. I am not superior to anyone. In fact, I would place myself at the very bottom of the totem poll. I'm already as low on the scale as I can go, please don't drive me into the ground anymore.

Snowball Effect

Have you ever noticed in looking back that what has brought you to something you really didn't like in life was just one giant snowball effect? Wordy, I know. Just bare with me. I do have a point.

Lately, there have been some things that I have said and done that I am not very proud of. I've found that the line has been blurred. There is more gray area in my life than there is black or white. How did this all happen?

Honestly, I don't know exactly what caused all this. But I do know that one thing quickly became two, and two multiplied to four, and then everything just grew exponentially until I was thrown under this massive avalanche that is continuing downhill. I've also been caught up in it for so long that this has become the norm.

When did right and wrong go away? Where exactly is the line? And how far away from it do I want to stay? Now that I've realized this, is there anything that I need to cut out of my life? Am I willing to do that? What will happen if I don't? Do I even want to know?

Alone

Why is it that we can be completely surrounded by people who know and love us, but we still can feel so alone?

All break, I've been with family and a few friends, and I've enjoyed their company, but I think that I've only felt this alone one other time in my life.

Why is it that sometimes, at the times when we long for it the most, there is just no human connection?

Rejuvenate, Reformulate, Revitalize

Remember a few posts ago? Okay, more like the second post I made on this thing. I was talking about going on sabbatical. Don't worry, I still am, and for the most part I like it.

I was thinking about the whole thing for the last few days and I came to the realization that even thought I had been saying that I had a set standard, I didn't really follow it. Now yes, I did follow the basic things, but I had never really sat down and pondered what it really is that I want and need. So, I sat down at my computer yesterday and made a list. (I'm a list maker, you'll learn that about me) I thought I'd share what I have so far with you.

The List
· Christian
· Leader
· Unshakable Faith
· Strong
· Moral
· Courageous
· Sensitive (but not too sensitive i.e. feminine sensitivity)
· Sympathetic
· Understanding
· Firm
· Self Controlled
· Enthusiastic
· Intelligent
· Head of the Household
· Take Charge
· Good Conversationalist
· Good Listener
· Good Steward of Time AND Money
· Honest
· Open
· Truthful
· Loyal
· Faithful
· Good with Children
· Flexible
· Good Tempered
· Makes Me Laugh
· Socially Stable
· Mentally Stable
· A Thinker
· A Doer
· Respectful
· Okay with us Both Having a Life
· Romantic
· A Little Kinky
· Has Strong Convictions
· Fun Loving
· A Visible Faith (but not a Bible beater)

Wake-up Call

A friend of mine just reminded me of something that I had always known, but had forgotten in the flood of worries that have filled my mind these last few days.

WE HAVE MUCH MORE THAN WE THINK WE DO!

Why is it that when we look at our lives all we see is the bad? What we wish/want to happen. What we long to be different. What gives us the right to be Debbie Downer all the time? Look around you. You have a house, a bed, clothes on your back and in the closet. In my case, I'm in school, it's paid for, I've picked out a major and a minor, I'll be graduating on time, I have money in my pocket and in the bank. I have a job, one that they're holding for me until I get out for the summer. I have my family, good friends, great professors, and a few acquaintances. I am not persecuted for my faith. I can say what I want, when I want, to whomever I want. I can travel, own a gun, buy a house or a car, choose my carer. I can vote for whomever I choose, and I can pick my own spouse.

I am rich. I am very richly blessed. Are there things that need to be resolved? Of course. There always will be. But when I stop, take a look around at what I do have, I find that the world isn't as dark and scary as I once thought it to be.

Early Morning Serenade (or something like it)

I sit awake at 1:18AM staring blankly at my computer screen, trying to think up something profound to say. Facebook is up. No one is on at this hour (except other insomniacs). The only reason that it's still up, I guess, is that I kind of hope that someone will want to talk (like that'll ever happen). Other than having someone just "like" my really depressing status, there's not much going on there.

I'm going to lunch in ten hours, seriously, why am I still up?

If I was completely honest with myself I would know. And I guess since it is almost one-thirty and not very many people read this I'll go ahead and tell you. I've really been pondering my future these last few days. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Who am I going to be? Do I really want everything I've always said I did? Is there a man out there that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with? Will I have to be on this medication forever? Am I doing the right thing?

There's more, but seeing as this is open to the world to view...well you get the picture.

So much is swimming through my mind. I don;t know how to shake this. I know my friends are starting to get annoyed with it. Believe me, I am too. I wish there was some way to shake this.

Got any ideas?

Untitled

Me in one sentence:

Andrea is conflicted, confused, uncertain, a little discouraged, and many other words that she's too unmotivated to look up in a thesaurus.

Realization

Have you ever realized that you liked the idea of something better than you liked that actual thing?

Dumb question. Yes, we all have. I guess it's part of that "You always want what you can't have" syndrome. Or at least a spurn off of it. Do you know what I mean? Probably not, but that's okay.

Recently, I came to the realization that I was clinging to the image that I had built up of this thing. I was so sure that (even though I had already decided that I didn't want the actual thing) the idea of it was what I wanted and needed.

Am I making any sense? No. That's okay.

I'll stop boring you with a confused woman's babbling. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something interesting to say.

Oh, and by the way, if you (whomever actually does read this blog) do understand can you comment? Anything, even a "Yes, you make sense" or "You're not crazy" will suffice. lol

Untitled

There is a feeling welling up inside of me. I know not what it is, nor whom it is intended for. All I know is that it is intense and it leaves me in the dark. I want to know, but time (my enemy) begs me to wait, let things play out, and then, one day, see.

At A Stand Still

My life at the moment feels as though someone has hit the pause button and had frozen me in time. There are plenty of things that I could be doing, however I have absolutely no drive to do them. I could be cleaning my room, but I don't want to. I could be reading a book, but I have no interest in reading. I could bake something, but I have no idea what to make.

I guess I'm not really trying to make a point, complain, or hash anything out. I'm just bored and trying to pass the time.

Title

No profound thoughts today. However, I did find a quote that I wanted to share with you:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

The Way We Were

Guess what. You were right about me.

You were always right about me.

You

We talked today. It was good to hear from you. You have become one of my dear friends, someone I trust implicitly. I will NEVER be able to thank you enough for all that you have done for me. If it weren't for you I honestly don't know where I'd be today.

You hold a very special place in my heart, you always will, and if there is anything, ANYTHING, that I can do for you, please let me know.

I want you to know something though. I am scared. I'm scared that if we get much closer things will get complicated. I finally realized why it didn't work, at least on my end. Specifically, I mean. I've always known, but it all came together a few weeks ago. I've been over you for a while, but I'm afraid of things coming back. I don't know if I can do that again. I may be reading too much into things, but I am, and have been getting a strange vibe from you.

I guess I'll just wait and see how things play out.