I want out.
I want out of this life that I'm leading. Not in an "I'm depressed, I want to end things" way. I want out of this life style, I want to do a complete 180. I hate this person that I've become. I don't recognize myself anymore. I've been behaving so out of character. And quite honestly, I don't know how to change back. I don't even know where to start.
I love my friends, they're great people. However, I believe that they are, in some part contributing to the me that I don't want to be. I don't have a single friend, that I talk to on a regular basis, that goes to church often. I don't have a single close friend who doesn't drink. The list goes on and on.
I've tried going to church, I've tried reading my Bible and praying and everything else in my life keeps interfering. I basically live in the theatre. I don't get any sleep (literally, this whole week, I've only had 1o hours)because I have so much that I have to do. I work, I go to school, I deal with other people's problems, I trouble shoot for everything, I'm overwhelmed here.
Most days I just want to quit and run away. But there are so many people who are counting on me. I would be disappointing so many people if I did. But I almost feel that that's exactly what I need to do to get my life back on track. I need to go someplace where no one knows me, where no one has ever heard of me. Find new people, a new major, a new church, a new outlook on life. I want to sever ties. But I can't do that.
I want....no, I need a change. I need a big change. And I have NO idea how to make it happen.
HELP!!!
Mentally take a step back to see what you are doing that is extra. Cut where you can. You have to do right by yourself Andrea. God looks out for you but He put your life in one person's hands...Yours!
ReplyDeleteFrom what you have written it sounds like the world around you is on your shoulders, no one can carry such a burden for long. Don't let it break you. Find out what it is you are truly looking for, inside yourself. Define who it is you were and what made that version of you what you want.
One day, even if it is just one. Dive into your life, I am not saying to disregard everyone but put YOU FIRST! Even if it is just once, you decide how you are going to use the day. Don't work on settling other people's problems. Focus on you. The longest person you will ever be with in this life is yourself, you may share with others but every time you wake up and go to sleep, you are with you.
It is not running away to preserve yourself. It sounds like countless others have put themselves first at your expense. I am praying for you. I hope you find the answers and the person that you want to become.
PS: I will stop send the shoddy poetry since it can be quite annoying.
Thank you
ReplyDeleteYou sent me poetry? I never got it! Please resend so I can read!