not tonight

disclaimer: this post is totally unrelated to any of the previous ones

don't mess with me tonight

which really means

please come and just sit with me

i don't want to be alone

A Plea

I want out.

I want out of this life that I'm leading. Not in an "I'm depressed, I want to end things" way. I want out of this life style, I want to do a complete 180. I hate this person that I've become. I don't recognize myself anymore. I've been behaving so out of character. And quite honestly, I don't know how to change back. I don't even know where to start.

I love my friends, they're great people. However, I believe that they are, in some part contributing to the me that I don't want to be. I don't have a single friend, that I talk to on a regular basis, that goes to church often. I don't have a single close friend who doesn't drink. The list goes on and on.

I've tried going to church, I've tried reading my Bible and praying and everything else in my life keeps interfering. I basically live in the theatre. I don't get any sleep (literally, this whole week, I've only had 1o hours)because I have so much that I have to do. I work, I go to school, I deal with other people's problems, I trouble shoot for everything, I'm overwhelmed here.

Most days I just want to quit and run away. But there are so many people who are counting on me. I would be disappointing so many people if I did. But I almost feel that that's exactly what I need to do to get my life back on track. I need to go someplace where no one knows me, where no one has ever heard of me. Find new people, a new major, a new church, a new outlook on life. I want to sever ties. But I can't do that.

I want....no, I need a change. I need a big change. And I have NO idea how to make it happen.

HELP!!!

Work

You know what sucks: People not doing their job and you getting blamed for it. Lately, at work it’s as if my department is the only one that pulls their weight. The company has been working on a massive project that all the departments are collaborating on. We usually do four every year, this year we’re doing six. No big deal, we’re a good company; however, one of the bosses (the one who is the big motivator and also my mentor) is taking an extended vacation. He’ll be gone this quarter. Lucky us. To pick up the slack, the company hired a guy part time. He’s doing a great job, but he uses different terminology and isn’t a big motivator. He is very qualified in one area of his job, but not another. Here’s the thing. Some people don’t like the new guy so they’re (possibly unconsciously) undermining his instructions by working more slowly.

I am heading my department on this project. It’s a good experience, and I’m enjoying most of the process. However, since this is a highly collaborative project, I am at the mercy of the slacking departments. My work is literally the last thing that comes in. We can’t even start until two other departments have finished most of their work. Unfortunately, that also means that we are the last to know about any changes that occur. And when we’re on a tight deadline, people slacking off and then changing key elements and not informing me or anyone on my department of this makes our job that much more difficult. Especially when they decide to change something major two nights before our deadline, after my department had already finished everything, and causes us to have to rework half of it, and when the best people from my department keep getting moved to others. And guess who gets blamed for not having things done on time. Me.

My job is dangerous. At any point someone could get hurt or even die. We take many precautions against this but with our experienced workers being reassigned to other locations leaving only the young and inexperienced, we’ve have a higher risk of things going wrong. Within the last week, we’ve had three near fires. There was the potential for the whole building to go up in flames.

Sometimes, I really really really hate my job.

The Barren Landscape

I am empty.

I am a hollow shell of the person I used to be...The person I long to be.

I am just here.

A barren landscape.

A shallow wasteland.

I am these things and more disguised as fertile land.

I do not pretend to fool myself, and yet I strive to fool others.

They cannot know...and yet they do know. And now so do you.

So, what is to be done?

Sleeping with the Lights On

My life right now is starting to resemble a bad movie. Good friendships are being severely tested, I've become tired of being single (several men have shown an interest, but the only ones interested in pursuing a relationship are the possessive ones), I've had a crisis of faith and one of future hopes and dreams, and I've come to realize that the person I am now is not the person I had set out to be.

I'm tired of being thought of as insecure. I'm tired of being thought of as a means to an end. I' tired of all the drama. I'm tired of the uncertainty. I'm tired of being without companionship (not in a sexual way, in an intellectual way). I'm tired of metaphorically sleeping with the lights on for fear of the unknown. I'm tired of it all and would like it to just stop.