I Will Fill Them With These Words...

I love, I have loved, I will love...

Faith

I used to have such a great faith in God. I knew what I believed and why I believed it. I practiced it with joy.

Sadly, things are different now.

I believe in God, I am thankful for what he has done for me, but my faith is at an all time low. I'm bored with Christianity. I'm tired of hearing the same stories over and over with the exact same moral. It's either "repent now because Jesus is coming back tomorrow" or "tithe." I've visited several different churches lately and it's all the same. I feel like a fraud even looking at a Bible. Everything I've read about faith lately makes me feel confined. Like God wants to put me in a little box on a shelf. I know this isn't true, but that's what it feels like. I feel condemned. I am almost completely desensitized to sin. Very little offends me. I realize when an action of mine or another does not line up with God's standards, but I almost don't care. I know I should care but I can't.

I really do want to get back to where I was with God, but I have no idea where to start (especially in the Bible, I've read it all before, there isn't anything new, reading it makes me feel like I'm being taught kindergarten math all over again). I'm bored. And I feel bad that I'm bored, but that's how it is.

So how on earth do I change that? Please tell me. (and don't just say "try reading another translation of the bible, tried that, doesn't work)

I Can't Think Up A Title

There has been a lot of questioning in my life lately There has been very little sleep in my life lately There has been a bit of worry in my life lately There has been the lack of desire to do almost anything This isn't a depression or a retaliation or anything of that sort This is a state of being Not sure I like it all that well

Something

You know, I don't believe in it, but every day, the thought seems better and better.

Ponderings

Have you ever felt like you were out of place in the world? Not like you just didn't fit in with a certain crowd, or in a certain city, or even country... What I mean is, have you ever felt like you were born in the wrong time. Like you don't fit in with today's culture, at all?

Peeved

You know, truely not being able to afford it is one thing, but bitching about the cost and making the rest of us miserable is crossing the line. None of us are rich. It's all coming straight out of our pockets. We just feel that this is a once in a lifetime experience and would be an amazing inspiration for our designs, and it's a facinating part of American history. If you're going to crush our dream, please just mention that you can't afford it once and don't bring it up again. Also, if everything else is so expensive, why the heck are you on this trip?

Thank You

Thank you
Thank you for your friendship
Thank you for being there when things were rough
Thank you for giving me the strenth to stand on my own two feet again
Thank you for all the late night chats
Thank you for taking care of me when I couldn't take care of myself
Thank you for cooking with me
Thank you for the memories
Thank you for calling me a whore infront of strangers
Thank you for all your snide comments
Thank you for your negativity
Thank you for telling others what you really thought of me
Thank you for going out of your way to ignore me for two months
Thank you for using me
Thank you for not being brave enough to tell me you didn't want to be friends anymore
Thank you for showing me what I can live without
Thank you for showing me that my life is so much better without you.

Fleeting Thoughts

• Empty

• Want to Start Over

• Need to Get Out

• Need to Get Away

not tonight

disclaimer: this post is totally unrelated to any of the previous ones

don't mess with me tonight

which really means

please come and just sit with me

i don't want to be alone

A Plea

I want out.

I want out of this life that I'm leading. Not in an "I'm depressed, I want to end things" way. I want out of this life style, I want to do a complete 180. I hate this person that I've become. I don't recognize myself anymore. I've been behaving so out of character. And quite honestly, I don't know how to change back. I don't even know where to start.

I love my friends, they're great people. However, I believe that they are, in some part contributing to the me that I don't want to be. I don't have a single friend, that I talk to on a regular basis, that goes to church often. I don't have a single close friend who doesn't drink. The list goes on and on.

I've tried going to church, I've tried reading my Bible and praying and everything else in my life keeps interfering. I basically live in the theatre. I don't get any sleep (literally, this whole week, I've only had 1o hours)because I have so much that I have to do. I work, I go to school, I deal with other people's problems, I trouble shoot for everything, I'm overwhelmed here.

Most days I just want to quit and run away. But there are so many people who are counting on me. I would be disappointing so many people if I did. But I almost feel that that's exactly what I need to do to get my life back on track. I need to go someplace where no one knows me, where no one has ever heard of me. Find new people, a new major, a new church, a new outlook on life. I want to sever ties. But I can't do that.

I want....no, I need a change. I need a big change. And I have NO idea how to make it happen.

HELP!!!

Work

You know what sucks: People not doing their job and you getting blamed for it. Lately, at work it’s as if my department is the only one that pulls their weight. The company has been working on a massive project that all the departments are collaborating on. We usually do four every year, this year we’re doing six. No big deal, we’re a good company; however, one of the bosses (the one who is the big motivator and also my mentor) is taking an extended vacation. He’ll be gone this quarter. Lucky us. To pick up the slack, the company hired a guy part time. He’s doing a great job, but he uses different terminology and isn’t a big motivator. He is very qualified in one area of his job, but not another. Here’s the thing. Some people don’t like the new guy so they’re (possibly unconsciously) undermining his instructions by working more slowly.

I am heading my department on this project. It’s a good experience, and I’m enjoying most of the process. However, since this is a highly collaborative project, I am at the mercy of the slacking departments. My work is literally the last thing that comes in. We can’t even start until two other departments have finished most of their work. Unfortunately, that also means that we are the last to know about any changes that occur. And when we’re on a tight deadline, people slacking off and then changing key elements and not informing me or anyone on my department of this makes our job that much more difficult. Especially when they decide to change something major two nights before our deadline, after my department had already finished everything, and causes us to have to rework half of it, and when the best people from my department keep getting moved to others. And guess who gets blamed for not having things done on time. Me.

My job is dangerous. At any point someone could get hurt or even die. We take many precautions against this but with our experienced workers being reassigned to other locations leaving only the young and inexperienced, we’ve have a higher risk of things going wrong. Within the last week, we’ve had three near fires. There was the potential for the whole building to go up in flames.

Sometimes, I really really really hate my job.

The Barren Landscape

I am empty.

I am a hollow shell of the person I used to be...The person I long to be.

I am just here.

A barren landscape.

A shallow wasteland.

I am these things and more disguised as fertile land.

I do not pretend to fool myself, and yet I strive to fool others.

They cannot know...and yet they do know. And now so do you.

So, what is to be done?

Sleeping with the Lights On

My life right now is starting to resemble a bad movie. Good friendships are being severely tested, I've become tired of being single (several men have shown an interest, but the only ones interested in pursuing a relationship are the possessive ones), I've had a crisis of faith and one of future hopes and dreams, and I've come to realize that the person I am now is not the person I had set out to be.

I'm tired of being thought of as insecure. I'm tired of being thought of as a means to an end. I' tired of all the drama. I'm tired of the uncertainty. I'm tired of being without companionship (not in a sexual way, in an intellectual way). I'm tired of metaphorically sleeping with the lights on for fear of the unknown. I'm tired of it all and would like it to just stop.

Thoughts at 2:22am

So, I've changed my mind again. I think.....

I don't know. This could be a knee-jerk reaction to being back at school. Not sure yet. But I'm having second thoughts about the whole teaching thing. I'm kind of leaning more towards being a personal assistant, secretary, event planner, or a house wife. House wife would be hard seeing as I'm single and I'm not looking for a marriage of convenience. But I could always be some one's house manager, like those women in "The Real Housewives of _____" who do all the domestic stuff so the housewives can go eat salad, get botox, and shop.

I like helping people. I like having all the loose ends tied up. I like planning and organizing things. I am just unsure of how one breaks into these fields. Anyway, some things to think about.

Also, I hate being back at school. I came home for the weekend, and plan to do so as much as possible this semester. There really isn't a specific reason why I hate it, just do.

Things I'm searching for:

A home church in Arkadelphia. Lots of churches, not so much time...

Godly friends that I can spend time with in person.

A Career Plan


Things I've Decided on:

Happiness

A good relationship with God. I WILL have one, no matter what.

January 15th, 10:10 PM

Hi.....Hello....It's been a while.

It's been quite an interesting month....well, two months. I've been a bit more proactive since a few posts ago. Made some good decisions, made some bad ones as well. But such is life.

School is about to start up again. Wednesday, to be exact. I've just had four weeks off. This is the first time I haven't wanted to go back in three years. I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. We'll see :)

After much consideration, I think I know what to do with the rest of my life. However, nothing is set in stone. I've changed my mind many times before. I think I want to teach overseas. The American School in London sounds amazing. So does teaching on a military base overseas. I'm also thinking about getting another degree in English, just so I can diversify myself even more.

Depending on how things work out this semester, I could end up with a major in Theatre, and minors in Dance, French and (fingers crossed) Writing for Media (depends on scheduling).

Things that I need:
A Masters Degree (in what, I'm not sure yet)
Either a major or a minor in English
A Teaching License (7-12 preferred on my part)
Teaching Experience

I have no idea how God is going to work things out, but I'm sure he has a heck of a plan. God and I are sort of closer. We talk a little bit more, and I'm reading bits of the Bible daily. To be quite honest, I'm bored with the Bible. I've read it before, I've heard all the stories before. I'm ready to learn something new and exciting. But I'm not finding it. I'm assuming God is using this to test my patience. We'll keep working on that.

Anywho. Not an exciting post, I know. But it's an update. It feels good to write again.