Some Thoughts

Today was an amazing day. I spent about seven hours of it with a wonderful man who is now my boyfriend. He drove up to visit me today. We had a blast. I am scared for several reasons though.

1. I really don't want to mess this up.
He's a good man and deserves only good things and I really like him

2. I don't want to get my hopes up.
I've gotten my hope up before only to be heartbroken (I'm trying to guard my heart)

3. I want to be sure that proper boundaries are in place and stuck to.
I don't quite trust myself to say no and stick to my guns if the situation arises

Pray for me guys.

Scared

I don't think that I have ever been more scared in my life. I don't trust myself at all. I haven't done anything to betray my trust, I just know that I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to say no if the situation presents itself. More details later.

Notice

The note "Irrational" that was posted on Friday, July 16, 2010. That's how I'm feeling.

Just Wondering

You told me one thing, but something is making me wonder...do you mean another?

Irrational

Irrational fears. We all have them. Some of us fear spiders. Some heights. Others death or failure. I myself have an irrational fear of something specific. I'm not going to name it or go into it here. Only one person knows of this. We laugh about it, but that doesn't mean that it goes away. I recognize that this fear is irrational, and stupid, and VERY improbable, but it still scares the crap out of me.

I know that God is trying to teach me to rely on Him in every situation. I know that He is there with me and will help me along the way. But sometimes I wonder why He is allowing me of all people to carry this burden. Why me? I know it's the wrong question to be asking, but I still wonder from time to time. What exactly am I supposed to be doing differently? I already pray about it. I give it to God. I try to take every thought captive. However, this fear keeps creeping back into my life. Maybe one day, God will reveal to me what exactly I am supposed to be doing with this. Maybe one day He will show me what to do differently. Until then I will sit here, read His word, and pray.

I've Got Two Words For You

Prove It.

Here's The Deal...

I haven't dated much. I didn't date in high school or in my first semester of college. I've always had guys that were friends. I had guys that were interested in me. However, none that I liked well enough to date until middle of freshman year. And while I don't regret dating any of those boys, sometimes I wish that I had never started dating.

They've all been nice enough guys. They weren't horrible. I didn't have any traumatic experiences. But none of them made it into anything that anyone would really call serious. True, I did really care for some of them, but looking back I realize that it wasn't as strongly as I had thought.

Since I entered the dating world I have run across: Mr. Gets Bored Easily, Mr. Insecure Control Freak, Mr. I Want to be With You But I Don't Want to be With You, Mr. Handsy, Mr. Fallen Off the Face of the Planet, Mr. I Am Going to Tell You Everything About Myself Before You Can Even Ask, and Mr. Really Nice Guy Who I Just Didn't Have Anything in Common With.

I haven't dated all of these, but I have either been on a date with, or have had them ask me out.

All of these types of men have made me realize that I do not want to date. I'm done. I am sick and tired of having to deal with this. And being a "Mr. Fixer-Upper" magnet. I can't handle it. So, Mr. Wonderful, whoever you are. You are welcome to come and find me at your leisure. However, you're going to have to be patient with me, because I am not going to jump into any sort of romantic relationship any time soon.

A Note to the World

Look, everything is fine. Now, yes, I know that when people say that "everything is fine" they're lying. This time, someone is actually telling the truth though. I am fine. I'm enjoying my life. There are things that I'm working on, trying to improve. However, nothing is wrong.

Also, I am not looking for anything or anyone. I am only twenty. I have my whole life ahead of me. I have time to find someone to share my life with, if I even decide that I want to share my life with anyone. I have time to decide what I want to focus on in my major. I have time to decide what I want to do with my life after I graduate. I have time. Do I know where I want to be in five, ten years? No. I have absolutely no idea, and for the first time in my life I am one-hundred percent okay with that.

I am not looking for anything right now. I am just going to roll with the punches and see where life takes me. I am going to make my own decisions with God's help. I am going to be single and enjoy this time that I have been blessed with to discover who I am.

This is my decision, and I am beyond happy with it.

Um.....

Well, that was unexpected...........

Hello July

Finally, July is here. It's been a long summer (and I still have a month and a half to go). Not much has changed in my life.

That friend has backed off a bit, but not much. We'll have to work on that. My best friend is sick and 6 hours away. I have become obsessed with the BBC television show Doctor Who (David Tennant is and always will be my Doctor), and his companion, Donna, is growing on me. I do prefer Rose though. Work is still a drag. I really don;t like it, but the people are great, I'm good at what I do, and they like me. So I press on. God and I are not as close as I would like, but I am working on that.

Tomorrow, I'm off to visit my grandfather for the weekend, after I go to both jobs. I'm looking forward to spending some time with him.

That friend who I was wanting to talk to, to help. We talked...kind of. I guess everything is okay on that end. However, I have come to the conclusion that their silence is their answer, and I will respect that.

Hello July. I pray that you bring good things.