A Change in Me

I'm single again. And you know what, I'm happy. For the first time in a month I'm not frustrated. The man I was dating is a wonderful man, and I have all the respect in the world for him, but our timing just wasn't right.

I made dance company this year and am super excited about it. Although it can be nerve racking at times, I love being on company. I'm choreographing a piece this year (probably won't go to concert, but I think it will be good none the less). My piece is about questions, and not knowing the answers, and somehow not wanting to know. Complicated, I know, but that's where I am in life right now.

I have so many questions about life, about my future, and so on. I know that I need to give this all to God, but lately, He and I haven't been on the most fantastic of terms. I love God, and I know that I am his child and nothing I could do would ever change that. We've just kind of lost touch. It's not that I'm questioning Him, it's not like I'm doubting Him...I really don't know what's going on. All I know is that I have got to start putting more effort into this relationship or things will only go downhill from here. Please pray for me guys. Pray that I will be motivated to read my Bible and to pray. I let myself fall so often. I fall and decide that I like laying on the ground for a while. And that's got to change.

Anyway, there has been a lot going on, and I think that I'm going through some changes so I thought that this song would be fitting. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=250JxioEWFU&feature=related

Choices 2

So, I've pretty much made my choice. I just have to wait on the timing.

Utterly

I have utterly lost my way. I have no idea where to go from here. What I want isn't conducive to a healthy life style, so therefore it's off limits. What I need refuses to present itself in any form. The path that I should take is unclear.

Where do I go from here?

Choices

I've got a choice to make, and I've got to make it relatively soon. It's a hard decision because I can see both sides clearly. I can see both ending well, and I can see both ending poorly. I'm just uncertain at the moment. Pray for me.

Revelation....Maybe?

Sometimes, I think that I enjoy being used by people. I mean, why else would I allow myself to continually be in situations/relationships where people use me as a means to an end?

Today, while doing some Scene Design homework, I realized that to some degree I enjoy being used. In some weird, twisted way, it makes me feel important. Even if it is just for a moment. I know that I can't be all things to all people, but for that one moment, I can be something to someone. And in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that I was a stepping stool to something larger?

Or, on the flip side, am I so starved for....something, I don't know what, or that I'm so selfish, that I need some reason to feel important in the universe. I don't know.... Two AM ramblings, what do you expect?

::DEEP BREATH::

All I know, is that when you use me, a huge part of me doesn't mind.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

::HeadDesk::

You make it hard to choose.

Just and Update

Life's been real crazy lately,as you can probably tell by my one or two line posts. I'm super busy all the time, juggling classes, homework, shows, work, and the "personal life." Yay school!

Today has been a 100% craptastic day. It began with me sleeping through both of my classes (for the second time already) I really need to buy a new alarm clock. Then, at work today, everything went wrong. When flying in electrics, people didn't follow the right protocol. When loading/unloading/reweighting the electrics, people didn't follow protocol. Yes, part of that was my fault, but there were others involved. Things could have ended very badly, but thankfully, we had an angel looking out for us. We also had several scares with some equipment that costs more than a years worth of tuition. I'm just glad it's over.

My friends. My friends are great, and probably the only things keeping me sane at the moment. I am a little frustrated with the boy. We're both really busy and can't spend too much time together, I get that, but it's still hard, and I wish that he would make time for us. Even if it's just being in the same room while studying, or lunch on the quad. I'm not asking for all of his time, just a small bit.

Plan

Muahahahahahahaha! I have set a plan into motion (it's actually a good plan this time). Now all I have to do is wait and see how you respond.