You Know Who You Are

Dear you,

I strongly dislike you with a fiery passion that rivals the intensity of a thousand suns.

That is all.

When There is Nothing Left to Say...

Playing God -- Paramore

Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret... I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is going to sound sappy but....

Sir, whomever you are, I just wanted to say that I love you.

At A Loss

For my Stage and Studio Lighting class I am currently working on a project. We are supposed to light a piece of classical music. My partner and I decided upon Mozart's Dies Irae http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dxr84zacOfY. We were also allowed to design a minimalist set.

The song is about judgement so my partner's and my vision was of a person standing in front of St. Peter at the gates of Heaven not knowing if they would be admitted or sent to Hell. Our set consists of a mannequin behind a podium surrounded by stacks of books, this representing St. Peter; A model of a church, representing the standards placed upon us by God and man; and finally a white mannequin hanging by a noose behind a white cyc, representing the fate of humanity.

It's a very powerful piece.

What left me at a loss, however, was how offended one person got. This person insisted that we were promoting lynching.

1. My partner and I are NOT racist

2. My partner and I did this ONLY to symbolize how humanity is going to hell in a hand basket.

3. It's a WHITE mannequin

Quick Question that Requires an Answer

What does it mean that I long to talk to you, yet I'm relieved whenever you log off of chat?

Ripping Off Pablo Neruda

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.” - Pablo Neruda

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way. I love you, even though I have never seen your face, nor felt your hand upon my hand. I love you until I breathe my last. Wait for me my love, where ever you may be. I am waiting for you. Please, come find me soon.

45 and Snowing

So it snowed today.

Valentines Day.

In 45 degree weather.

I guess anything is possible.

Holding Out for a Hero

You know, I think I spoke a bit too soon with my last post. Not all men are that way. And sometimes, Hollywood portrays them correctly. You want proof? Watch "Penelope" with Christina Ricci and James McAvoy.

It took a while to find a movie that showed relationships in a better light (now this really isn't a realistic movie, and the love story isn't 100% realistic, but it's as close as I've ever found), and it also takes a while to find that one person in your life.

The right man is out there, girls. You just have to be patient. Don't ever be discouraged in holding out for your hero. We can wait together :)

"Where have all the good men gone...?"

I hate men. No offence guys, but please just let me have my little rant.

As of late I have been watching a lot of movies and I've noticed a growing trend. Men are jerks who "change" at some point throughout the film. Or who never actually change, the girl just settles because obviously he's the closest thing to "The One" that they believe they will ever find. Or, more likely than not, he's some perfect, fantastic, UNREALISTIC man.

They always keep the girl in the dark, wondering "Does he like me, like me, or does he just want to be friends?" The shear frustration of this, among all of their other quirks, causes these women, who otherwise would be strong and fabulous to do a complete one-eighty and do some completely stupid things all because of some man. No, correction, guy, boy, child!

Why is it that we women get so worked up because of some stupid guy? We see it in movies. We read it in books. We swear up and down that we will NEVER let something like that happen to us, and yet we allow ourselves to be victims of this very thing time and time again. WHY? Why do we allow ourselves to be so stupid?

I think that people need to stop writing these unrealistic love stories. Why doesn't anyone write anything real? Ugh...

I Dreamed a Dream...No this is NOT the Susan Boyle Story

My dream last night:

I'm walking down the street with my best friend's RA whom I am dating. We're on our way to a theatre convention. When we arrive at the hotel with two of my friends, who just appear out of thin air, my boyfriend turns into Fred-Allen (and I'm not dating him). We all get to our room. Fred-Allen takes the king size bed, the two other people and myself take the other bed which turns out to be three pull-out bunk-beds.

We then leave to go to the convention. The four of us are supposed to be acting in a show there, but we decide to watch the show instead. We're sitting on bleachers and the man sitting beside us is talking about the other schools who did their shows before we got there. Anjelica Huston comes on stage in a slinky dress followed by a band. She begins to sing while a group from our school performs a play inspired by her voice.

I decide to leave the group and head out of the auditorium. I'm suddenly in a high rise apartment with my boyfriend, who now is one of my friend's current boyfriends. She's at the apartment too. We just kind of wander around the apartment for a while. I then decide to go out. There are no elevators in the building, just escalators. After being out for a while, I decide to go back in.

I arrive back at my apartment. I'm now married to a man with long hair and a Hulk Hogan mustache, but he's a brunette. He's dressed in a swanky 1920s tux and I'm wearing a costume we used in a production of Hedda Gabler. Suddenly a blond bombshell comes out of my room. I realize that my husband is having an affair so I run to my closet and grab two guns. They won't go off at first, but finally I shoot both of them. They fall onto a huge red drape in the floor, their faces are covered.

Once I realize what I have done, I run out of the apartment, trying to escape. Once at street level I run into my lover. I take him back up to the apartment and show him what I've done and ask for his help. He locks my front door (which has at least 16 locks on it all controlled by levers in the wall) and tells me that I am going to have to die for what I've done, and that he's going to be the one to kill me. He pushes me up against the levers. I ask if we could at least make love once more before I die. He says no. I ask if I could shower first. He says no. I ask if I could at least change clothes. He drops me onto the floor and disappears.

I am now sitting on my balcony. My hair is a mess. I'm still wearing the Hedda Gabler dress and I'm very depressed. Suddenly, three people materialize in front of me. Two women and a man. They don't materialize entirely. They kind of look like a picture drawn on a large piece of cardboard that has had a hole puncher taken to it. They tell me that the only way out is to kill myself. More and more people start to materialize and they are all telling me the same thing. They say that they show up to every great person who ever committed suicide. I finally give in but insist on changing into my yellow dress first. I head to my closet but one of the women gets there before I do. She puts on a slinky red dress that is a bit too big for her and then falls over dead. I finally get into my yellow dress (which is exactly the same as the Hedda Gabler dress, except for the color) and I put the gun to my head.

And then I wake up.

Weird right?

Some More Things About Me

I felt that last night's....well rather, this morning's post deserved a part two. If you haven't read part one yet, please do. Don't worry though, they're not in any particular order.

5. My room is usually a bit messy.

• I'm a creative individual, I need some sort of clutter.
• I do take out the trash and insist on not living in a pig sty.
• As shocking as it may appear, I know exactly where everything is.

6. I criticize movies while I'm watching them.

• If you hate it when people talk during a movie, we probably shouldn't be film buddies.
• I don't talk about random stuff, it's all about the movie.
• In theatre and film I insist on perfection, and will point out anything less than.
• I was taught to watch movies this way. I really don't think I can watch a movie for the pure enjoyment of it anymore. But I do enjoy it.

7. I do believe in defining a relationship and having some sort of set boundaries.

• I've done the whole "we're not going to define this" thing and I hate it. As my uncle says, "Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt."
• I don't recreationally date. I date to find the man I will one day marry. Period. End of story.
• I'm not a big "RULES" girl, but I do believe that there are some boundaries that need to be set up front, and they need to be stuck to.
• Also, I believe that both parties need to be upfront and honest about things that they cannot put up with in a partner.

8. I do get moody.

• Please do not assume that just because I'm moody it's my time of the month.
• I'm a creative, it just happens sometimes.
• I don't like being moody and I do try to get out of it.
• At this point, I start to annoy myself, please just bare with me.

I may do a part three. Keep a look out.

Some Things About Me

1. I can be very blunt.

• It's starting to be more often than not.
• I don't mean to offend anyone by this, it just happens without me thinking about it
• I kind of like it

2. I am a hopeless romantic, but I try not to be.

• I'm a girl so obviously it comes with the territory.
• I am SO fed up with Hollywood love stories, it's not even funny. Yet I still love them.
• I cannot wait to meet the man who I will eventually marry.
• I really wish women would stop writing love stories. It just gives women like me unrealistic expectations, and it's not fair!

3. I am totally insecure.

• Again, I'm a girl. It comes with the territory.
• I will try on lots of shirts/pants/dresses/skirts/shoes before I go out in the morning
• I feel fat after eating sweets and will probably make a comment about it.
• I do try to hide it.

4. I'm not really that strong of a person.

• I just play one in real life.
• I'm a firm believer in "fake it till you make it."
• I may not always know what I'm doing, but I act like I do.
• Even though I put up this facade, I am really fragile.

Unknown

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to do what I'm supposed to do.

I don't know what I want to do.

I don't even know how to go "one day at at time" or "moment by moment" anymore.

Basically, I'm kind of lost, but I don't really feel all that lost.

Do you know what I mean?

No? That's okay.

Mono

Okay, so I have mono. No, I haven't been kissing anyone. No, I haven't shared a drink with anyone. No, I'm not a chain smoker. I've just for some crazy reason picked up mono. Maybe I picked up some body's drink thinking it was mine. Maybe I drank out of the water fountain. I don't know. All I know is that I have it, and I feel terrible.

There is SO much going on right now. So much stuff that I just don't want to deal with at the moment, and lo and behold what I thought was just tonsil stones, the nurse deduced within two minutes that it was mono, and I most likely have a touch of strep to go along with it.

Lovely. Just lovely.

Everyone else in my department has something, whether it be the common cold or the flu. We've all got something. I'm also now working on two shows, a writing intensive class, two project oriented classes, three dance classes (my favorite classes) that I can now no longer participate in until my doctor confirms that my spleen is in no danger of rupturing, some unwanted attention from a few people, and some more drama that I just don't have the space or the time to get into at the moment.

Well...jolly good post. I'm signing off and going to bed before I fall asleep on the computer.

Goodnight.